Wengler 2013 Furlough/Sequestration Christmas E-Card 

Another year of living large on very little (thank you federal furlough folks!) We laughed, cried, cleaned up vomit and blew our tax return on skateboards, imitation crab meat and organic oatmeal. So sit back and enjoy the ride. Just remember, you get what you pay for. 

We got tired of putting Camden in timeout where he could escape or otherwise modify his environment to meet his needs. Last time he had a pizza and Cherry Coke delivered to his bedroom closet. We found a great website www.timeouthatworks.com. They suggested manholes and it seemed to work. Here he is after two days in the North Philadelphia sewer system. Little guy seemed to learn his lesson. 

Here is a short video of Camden selling apples in the back yard. There is nobody there and he is eating all of the apples. We felt bad about his general lack of strategic marketing and poor product placement, but we can all laugh about it now. Of course, his friends (also the investors) have a few more pointed questions for him such as "where is my money and is this stock worth the construction paper you wrote it on??"

This painting was brought to our attention by our Bishop. He could not believe how much Camden looked like the little boy in this picture. It seems as if the picture is speaking to Jahnelle and I personally: “Look at this little child, forgive him for he is an innocent. Turn the other cheek and remember not the broken t.v. screen, stains on the carpet, selling of your wedding rings, credit card charges, driving under the influence of Mountain Dew, and other nondescript mayhem.” I would turn the other cheek with Camden, but I know he'll write on that one as well or just slap me twice. 

Here is what happens when you wake Camden up from a nap. We call it THOEOSD (Two Handed One Eye Open Slap Down) Pronounced "Though Eow Sud."  Be not mistaken, this hurts more than the acronym can describe. 

Camden totally pranked me this year. He showed up at my office and told the receptionist there was a bomb in the building. He would have gotten away with it, but someone from the Bomb Squad recognized him from a picture on my desk. I felt stupid for not seeing through that mustache; stupid and cold as we waited outside for 6 hours during the sweep of the building. That little rascal! 

Here is a very candid photo of Jacob, Camden and Christian after learning that they would not have to get James’ hand me down clothes anymore. They kept chanting “my very own underpants!!!” 

Christian turned 8 this year. He wanted a gnarly skateboard. I was happy to comply. We pretty much tear it up at the skatepark. I met another guy at the skatepark. He was like totally in his 40s. I kept thinking how goofy/creepy this older guy was … let it go buddy …just let it go. 

We are now complete as a skateboarding family. Unfortunately, Jahnelle has formally declined to join us in our family shredding. Her loss. Also notice who is too cool for a helmet. Skateboarding is not a crime. 

Christian was also baptized. It's the most clean we have both been in some time. It was a great day for us. 

Christian was Dennis the Menace for Halloween. It was really funny, except the neighbors did not give him any candy stating it was "a little too close to home" and we were "sick parents for mocking their hell." Some people are sooo sensitive! Take a joke! It's not like we lit a bag of poop and put it on your door step … oh wait.

Christian and Camden wanted a popcorn maker more than anything for Christmas. Little did they realize that a popcorn maker does not come with a movie theater. It was priceless to see the expression on their little faces when they were walking around the house with their popcorn looking for the theater entrance to The Hobbit. Suckers.

Emma is always the easiest to write about. She smiles and makes comments like, "Oh Dad, my wedding is going to bankrupt you."

Emma loves to change the oil in the cars, help me build things and fold socks. 

Lots of socks

She makes me so happy I could cry. I keep telling her there is no shame in never leaving home and living in your parents' basement well in to your 40s with several good natured cats. 

Her brothers make her have tea with them, just to keep it real, but everybody knows Emma can fix anything. 

Jacob is 13 and continues to dominate his wrestling opponents. Here he is crushing a guy that didn’t show up. Notice the look of triumph on his face. The crowd went crazy, especially the kid in the stands to the left of Jacob's head. 

Jacob was also able to use the Jaws of Life with the local fire department. It was really cool to watch him in action, that is until we realized it was our car he was practicing on. We did get a thank you note from the Fire Department for donating our car. 

James and Jacob went into Philadelphia to be part of a band on Christmas Eve. It was a great time. I was also invited to sing along with them for the first song. Then I was asked to sing on a different street that I don't think existed. No one seemed concerned that I had been roaming the greater Philadelphia area for 3 hours looking for them. 

They also started a landscaping business this year. They cut lawns and spread mulch. Some of their Yelp reviews were “Outstanding” “Hard Working” and “Stop violating child labor laws!” We were just so pleased that they could make some money to help pay for their diapers when they were younger. 

Here I am motivating Jacob to cut faster with a good old fashioned bum slap while he was wearing headphones. Nothing says I love you like a surprise bum slap out of nowhere. (Caution: Do not try this at work or church)

James turned 16 this year. Under Pennsylvania law, he will be able to obtain a driver’s license. Our insurance would go up $98 per month if we add him. We decided to pay him half of that amount each month plus a case of Dr. Rocket (generic Dr. Pepper) to forfeit his license. That means we are $42.50 dollars richer and the roads are safer for you all. 

James also joined the diving team at school. He now wears a Speedo. That’s why there is no picture above (awkward…)

James and I went on a 40 mile hike through the High Peaks region in upstate New York. Jahnelle gave us both mohawks for the trip. That was a nice way to bond with him in a really stupid, career limiting kind of fashion. It was an awesome week long trip that we'll both never forget. 

James continues to do what he wants in life, which makes him great. I'm not just saying that because we have the same barber and he is significantly taller than me and may in fact be a better wrestler when I am unarmed. 

James also got up on his first try wake boarding. He screamed like a little school boy and unexplainably spoke in Mandarin and wet his pants (difficult to confirm). It was an amazing experience for everyone present. When he got back into the boat, he could not recall the entire event, although his siblings were quick to point out the pee part. 

Christian and Camden don't get out that much. They also liked boating in Maine. They have not screamed and laughed this hard since watching Jaws together as a family. 

So I turned 40 this year. To celebrate we had an 80s party. We played Atari, Lite Brite, drank Moxie and stayed up until 8:45. It was crazy wild. The local police showed up to tell us to turn down the Cindy Lauper. It was awkward explaining everything to the officer with a braided belt, pink sweater and pegged white pants on. He kept saying, "I don't care who you work for! Turn that crap down old man and put away those candy cigarettes you look like a moron!"

Crimping and Dollar Store lipstick and authentic 80s charms. 

Hungry like a wolf. 

Jahnelle continues to tolerate me in small doses when taken with fluids and food. She discovered what a selfie was. For me, a selfie is when you steal someone's camera, take a picture of yourself with an obnoxious face and post it on Facebook with an embarrassing caption about them or their mother, significant other, etc. She seems to adhere to the more traditional definition of a selfie. For those of you wondering, this E-card is highly edited and censored; especially when it comes to pictures of Jahnelle. I am lucky to get a few pictures in each year. (Editor's note: Oops. Again. I (Jahnelle) promise I exist and the lack of pictures isn't deliberate. I am always behind the camera and never realize it until this newsletter rolls around each year. I guess we'll finally have to work on that in 2014 … good thing my mom occasionally likes to know I'm alive, otherwise these selfies wouldn't exist either.)

Jahnelle had a minor mid life crisis this year. She and her sister-in-law went to an “Oxygen Bar.” It's a place where you pay money to breath oxygen. I felt bad telling her that we have access to 21% oxygen pretty much all of the time. I felt better though when she told me it was half off on Tuesdays. That means she got 100% oxygen for 50% of the price, which is still more than 21% for free, but whatever. 

Of course we spent some time in Maine camping this summer. The bed head reached epic levels this year. 

Try running a comb through those locks of love. The campground security officer had to come over to see who those banshee screams were coming from. I got him to turn a blind eye with a ten spot and a half eaten S'more. 

I also got to go snowshoeing in Maine with the coolest Kat I know. It was minus 7 degrees and I couldn't have been happier. 

The highlight of 2013 was spending a few weeks with my brother. Nobody makes me laugh like him. He is much of what is good in the world. 

For Emma's birthday party this year, I got some bales of hay and made an outdoor theater. We projected a movie on the back of the house. It was awesome, in a white trash kind of way. 

So here are some family shots: 

Here is our little village. These pieces are some kind of delicate china like material. Each year Camden manages to take out a person or structure in the village. This year he dropped the barber shop along with the innocent killing of an ice skater. RIP little skater and say hi to the postman from last year.

 This year had its ups and downs. In an attempt to maintain the integrity of our Christmas Email: this year sort of sucked eggs. It was not easy by any means. However, we are happy and grateful that we have each other. Sometimes we hit rock bottom, but the nice thing about that is someone is usually there and can give you a quick tour of the place and hopefully show you the exit. These experiences have helped us develop more empathy, become less concerned about stupid things and more focused on what matters most. We realize that life can be fragile and how easy it is to get caught up in the small things. Our goal for next year is to love each other and our friends and family more. The kids' bedrooms are usually a mess, the cars utilize more duck tape than they should and the lawn continues to foster more crabgrass than any other home in the neighborhood. But whatever. There is a certain peace in being comfortable in your own skin.  Keep it real in 2014. Skate or die. 

May God bless you and yours. 

Love, 

The Wenglers

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