Back not by popular demand, it's the
"Wengler Making Up For No Christmas Email Last Year"
email. Covering 2014-2015, now gluten free and produced by non-fracking coal fired electricity! We have a move, dyed hair, crashing jet ski, kidney stones, Botox and some amateur modeling. Enjoy!
Sometimes things happen in one's life that I call "game changers." Two years ago I had such an event.
I was given a selfie stick...
Selfie sticks bring out the crazy in us all. Just look at the angry kitten face Jacob is throwing down! Christian just wants you to call him. Who knew $12 dollars of telescoping aluminum could do so much.
This is called the Limbo selfie shot (all Rights Reserved). Why am I wearing a button up dress shirt while camping? Your guess is as good as mine.
For capturing those hard to reach shots.
So this year James was asked to join the cheer leading team for his mad tumbling skills. I was a little puzzled, but it all made sense eventually...
Smartest (only) guy in the room.
James ...
went to proms.
James is very smooth. Here he is wearing a suit jacket with a handkerchief to match the young lady's shirt next to him. Yeah, it didn't work out. I told him to try it next time with the matching suit pants, not shorts.
He is captain of the wrestling team and received his Eagle Scout. Unfortunately he blew out his shoulder and is riding the pine; however, wearing a sling seems to have improved his dating.
Jacob is also wrestling. He shows more teeth than James, which seems to work for him, except that now he has braces after we realized how jacked up his teeth were.
Jacob did some sailing this summer.
He and I went to Blue Man Group. It was awesome until one of the Blue Men came into the audience, stole a piece of his chocolate bar, ate it and then spit it back up.
Jacob plays the tuba in the band. The nice thing about band is that it keeps you humble. You know what you're wearing is ridiculous when girls come up to you and ask if they can take a picture to show their friends back home what is not in fashion this year.
Jacob is a very caring older brother. Even when Camden screams out, "I had chili for lunch with extra beans!" and then jumps on him, Jacob just rolls with it and breathes through his mouth.
He has learned to be more prepared, however, for the noxious gases that abound with three brothers.
Sometimes it's hard to decide what is cooler: 80s shades and a bandanna or flexing your muscles to show off your abs with sweet plaid shorts. Thank goodness the selfie stick caught it all!
We let our kids date when they turn 16. Luckily wearing these outfits have helped push off any female prospects. I like to think of them as my little Trekkie Irish Leprechauns that didn't make Dancing with the Stars.
I wasn't kidding about the braces.
Emma also did some sailing.
She also made this head. Originally she used to talk to it. We called it "Emma's imaginary friend with no body" or EIFWNB for short. She's doing much better now (Emma, not the paper head).
Emma is shrewd and business savvy. She started cutting people's lawns for cold cash. She quickly realized that she was tipped better when she threw on James' old sling for effect.
She can also be pure gangsta, especially when it comes to trading Halloween candy. You'll find yourself curled up in the fetal position sucking on Raisinettes wondering where your full size Kit Kats went to.
She and Jahnelle went to see Wicked in NYC. Wicked is not shown in Boston because it would be weird to say Wicked was wicked good.
Emma loves kids and is currently looking for more babysitting gigs (shameless plug). The kids love it when she brings her imaginary friend head with no body to do a ventriloquist show for them.
Christian competed in the Pine Wood Derby. He won the award for "Best Yellow Car Made By a Boy Named Christian Wengler." The runner up was named Sam. Just love those participation awards! Everybody is a winner!
We saved a little bit of money this year on water since Christian and Camden found a sweet park in Boston. The water unpredictably shoots up at a pretty high velocity. It is great to clean those hard to reach places...This was at the Rose Kennedy Park in Boston. I renamed it the "Free Boston Historic Bidet Park."
Christian got chickens for Christmas and we made a wicked awesome coop. We started with 10 chickens and now have 7. We have saved a bit on dog food though...
Camden continues to use his unorthodox courting methods based on African primates. He also loves the Tony Robbins book "Winning Through Intimidation and a Branch" although it appears many of his prospective recipients have also read it.
Camden did get baptized this year. That was cool. He was interviewed by our Bishop who was really impressed with Camden's first comment of "let's get something straight right out of the gate . . . I'll be asking the questions here." Somehow Camden negotiated 6.5% tithing for the first year +/- 3% thereafter based on prime and how well Camden thought the Bishop was leading the congregation. Who knew that was negotiable?
So Camden actually had a pretty rough couple of years. Come to find out all the pain he claimed he was having was not an act. Boston Children's Hospital removed a 1 cm kidney stone this year. He's had some pretty serious medical issues, but has remained positive. He's going back for some more stone removal. He was really upset that he didn't get to keep the stone to show people (we gave him a stone from the yard instead).
It's a toss up between who loves the selfie stick more...
Camden has found a new joy in simple money slots. He turned his allowance into a sizable campaign contribution to Trump (who Camden describes as someone who "just gets me.") He has also found much success with his Draft King efforts. Like he tells me, "Dad, it's not gambling, but a game of skill!"
Here is a nice picture of the younger boys. I'm not sure if the sun is in Camden's eyes, if he really needs to go to the bathroom or if he is passing another kidney stone. We love these little dudes.
Jahnelle is looking so good now that she got Botox in her left eye. We thought we could cover both eyes, but that stuff is expensive! The move to Boston has been a little tough on her. Most of the women feel like she doesn't trust anyone because "she always has that suspicious look in her eye." Luckily she made friends with a three legged dog who doesn't judge her. She did enjoy spending time with her bestest friends who knew her before the creepy eye thing happened.
She continues to be a great mom and endure her husband. And as she says when women ask her how she lives with me, "We all have our crosses to bear... mine is just forever thanks to our temple sealing."
Here we are in Central Park in New York City eating bagels on a rock. Jahnelle was a little offended when some New Yorkers kept dropping dollar bills in our open bag when they walked by and said, "God bless you, everyone."
So I got one of my greatest wishes last year. We were able to transfer up to New England. I missed the snow so much and it seemed like Mother Nature welcomed me home. The people here also did as I drove down 95. They kept waving at me and signed to me that I was their number 1!! Man I love these people! How did they know I just moved back?
This year I had a revelatory experience. I have always felt that I should have been a small man model. I finally took the plunge and hired a great agent off of Craigslist and man is he good! Just check out these photos I got for only $25,000 (he lets me pay in installments). He created the titles as well (it was $5,000 extra but you HAVE to go big on something like this).
"This water is hot...when it's filled"
"I see nature, do you?"
"Going riding today, or maybe just leaning around"
"Peek a Boo..I see you!"
(It's just all so exciting! If you want his contact info its: "Agenttothestarzzz167.com" He uses "z" rather than an "s" because he is so creative!)
Every year me and other smart guys go camping in Maine in February.
The guy next to me claimed to be a ninja, but by the way he snored there is no way that guy could sneak up on anyone.
Can you believe these bad boy sweaters were at a thrift store??? I pretty much stole them at 5 bucks a pop! The best part was the lady behind the counter who told me they were beautiful.
We had a family reunion this year in California. There we so many people that the grandkids got shirts for the order of when they could shower. Numbers 15 and up were pretty rank by the end of the week.
Poppy turned 98 this year. He is old school, literally. He is sharp as a tack and will kick your can if you cross him, just like he did in the old country. He is the reason why Old Spice is making a come back. He is the most interesting man in the world.
We went sailing up in Maine and the kids had so much fun...
Hanging out in the cabin.
I finally got to meet my nephew. He was so cute that I told Jahnelle we should round it off with another baby. After I regained consciousness, and had my head wounds looked at, it seemed like I changed my mind or at least that is what Jahnelle told me I am thinking now.
It is awesome having three teenagers. I have no food, no money and have lost my
James, Jacob and I climbed Mount Katahdin. We thought dyeing our hair would give us a climbing advantage. We also thought Walgreen's 2 for $5 hair dye kits were a great deal. Wrong on both accounts.
Here we are eating some wicked good lobster. Jacob, however, decided to drink his emotions with a 124 ounce soda that he wrapped his little mice hands around.
I also took up welding and mixed martial arts and combined the two and yes, that is a hole in my pants. Apparently the sparks from welding can burn through polyester pjs from K-mart.
We flew out to Utah for a little vacation. It was awesome until we hit a little turbulence...
We went and saw this awesome family in Zion (Utah for you Non-Mormons). We went to Lake Powell and stayed on their house boat. It was awesome right up until the time I crashed his jet ski into the back of his new boat. Talk about being the party pooper. They promised to come visit us so he can drive my car through the garage door and punch me in the face to even the score.
We were going to hire a painter for our basement, but it was pricey. So I bought some spray paint on the cheap and broke some child labor laws. The mask didn't fit Camden that well, so he may have to repeat 2nd grade, but I still think I came out ahead overall in cost.
Not bad for a bunch of amateurs! We were all sneezing colored snots for a week.
Skateboarding is still not a crime.
So for the first time ever we hired a photographer to take our family pictures. This shot is so wrong for so many reasons: 1) Why are we walking in the worst possible way for a trail? Everyone but Jahnelle is sure to get a branch in the eye and poison ivy. 2) Why are we holding hands?? For the love of all that is holy, our family has never all held hands together.
3) Why would a creepy photographer be coming up on us like this from behind to take a picture? Anyone remotely familiar with our family knows this is how you get shanked by Camden. 4) Where are we going? Just a clue...there is no path ahead, just forest. This looks like we are entering the Hunger Games Arena. We all know how that would end. Camden would be wearing us like a pelt.
This is the classic bridge shot. Christian is sitting so uncomfortably his back is arched like he was just waterboarded. James and Jacob are back to back tough guys guarding the entrance. Emma is literally holding up the bridge with a green shoe. Jahnelle and I look like the bridge is swallowing us and Camden has a cute little face that says, "come cross my bridge and see what happens to you and yours!"
This was a good one though. She is my one and only daughter.
On a more serious note, the reason there was no email last year was because I was just too sad. I lost my brother to cancer and just didn't feel happy enough. While I still have hard days, I try to celebrate his life by mocking my own. He was a joker, like me. He saw the humor in life and when we were together it was nonstop laughter. I miss him terribly, but know someday we'll be together again.
This picture is for my brother. He would have loved that I got this go-cart for 60 bucks (after talking the guy down from a $100) at a yard sale. He probably owns a pair of leather goggles like mine. That's his Puma sweatshirt with the fluorescent orange draw string I'm wearing. Most importantly, he would love it that Camden was having a blast. He always had the best time making my kids laugh.
Here we are doing what we do best: stealing someone's unlocked phone for a selfie. Miss you buddy.
I can't believe you are still reading. Thanks for getting to the end. While it has been a rocky couple of years, the Gospel of Jesus Christ has been a great anchor in our lives (yes Mormons believe in Christ). We have had 19 years with 19 moves, multiple pets and trips to the vet, the same 1999 Saturn (that's a car for you young folks), broken legs and arms, late nights and kid fights, chickens and dogs and Fresno fog, happy days and wrestling craze, etc. etc.
We wish you and yours a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Love,
the Wenglers
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